love (?) letters

Shannon spent some quality time this weekend evaluating her relationship with each of us.

It says:
Dear Kate you are the best best sister ever.

I think you are nice becas you have been grate. I tink you shode be in my club.

ps you shode live in peas forever.

*lovely drawing of heart in a heart*

Love, Shannon

I find this next one (above) to be a particularly accurate description of mommy's and daddy's unending patience and ceaseless ability to never lose our tempers...

It says:
Dear mom and dad

you are the best in t wold. I tink you are nice

ps you are grat and nice and loveing

Love, Shannon

*another beautiful rendering of multiple hearts*


But I find the one above to be a work of high art whose raw honesty rivals that of Hilary Clinton's memoirs.


It says:
Dear Daniel

I do not like the you.

You must not no the better code that I like. You will find out wy becus you have been mean.

ps you may not come in my room ever agen.

from, Shannon

*darling drawing of a clenched fist and a fractured heart*

Precious

He may not realize it, but I really need him. I'm grateful he's around to do for me all the mundane kinda stuff I'm too incapable and too much of a chicken to do myself. (and I'm really not being sarcastic here... really.)

For example, how could I ever take the picture below by myself? There are rare occasions when I ask Tim to take the shots and when I see the results, I wonder why I don't burden him with this chore more often.

I like this picture for two reasons:
One, it is a rare one that has both me and my kids in it.
Two, we are all wearing hoods so I can pretend we are all a band of death eaters on our way to torment some poor muggle. (not that I condone such activities, but someone's gotta play the bad guy in imaginary Hogwart's land.)

Also, I could never do this.

I know because I gave it the ol' college try and failed miserably. Even with a chain saw I know I'd most certainly hack up the poor tree till it looked like Charlie Brown's. (assuming I didn't mortally wound myself in the process, which, given my excellence at klutziness, would absolutely happen.)

I also need this man because just a couple minutes ago, I got up to fetch the camera to download these pictures when I made eye contact with a fat black eight-legged friend, daring me to pass.
As I tiptoed around, I nervously called up to Tim "Hon...get a weapon..."

"What?"

*urgently* "Get something destructive and get down here right now!"

*now, because he knows me so well he is catching on to what I am talking about and asks* "How large?"

I make a circle with my thumb and forefinger "This large!"

*searching for a book or a baseball bat or a piano, he finds a hammer* "Where is it?"

*me trembling on the stairs* "Just walk straight and look left."

"This? This is it? Come see. I want to make sure that this is it and there isn't another one."

*horrified and shaking violently* "Yeah, that's it."

And just like that, he took care of it, after which he promptly reminded me what a wus I am by saying "I thought you meant the body was that big. Not the whole thing."

At least he didn't catch it and chase me around like a silly schoolboy.

My hero.

Don't get a fat head about it now, that tree you're carrying is only mom's teeny one. I pulled our big fat one on the cart uphill.

Both ways.

I can do some things.

The daunting 10 pounds of potatoes have been heartlessly peeled, diced, cooked and mashed to a pulp.

The homemade beautiful-before-it-was-baked-but-now-resembles-a-wet-coffee-filter crust is filled with chocolate pie and is resting comfortably in the fridge.

The vat of fresh green beans have all been unceremoniously snapped and are awaiting further preparation.

I am sufficiently hungry. (and can't seem to stop drinking milk, what's that about?--shut up Maureen, it's NOT what you want to say)

So in the words of a teeny tiny Dumbledore,

"Let the feast begin!"


Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! Pig out!!

How many?

How many times while out and about with the kids can I feign excitement before I start to actually be thrilled to see... oooh! A corvette! or... Wow! A flagpole! or... Did you see that duck? Awesome.

How many times does a person have to say "be careful" before a kid really is and chooses not to leap from the top stair because mommy actually knows what she is talking about?

How many toys have to break before a kid stops doing whatever it is that is breaking them?

How many times can one see Wonder Pets before they spontaneously break out into the theme song during adult conversations?

How many times do I have to convince my kids there is no boogieman before I start to believe there just might be one?

How many times do I have to say "If you keep doing that, it might break" before mommy is proven right and it thankfully does fall apart?

How many "no no, kitty doesn't like that's" does it take to learn that cats don't appreciate the finer points of fashion?

How many processed chicken nuggets can a kid consume before they are grossed out by what they really are?

How many times can a person watch Dora the Explorer before they start to shout everything three times like Dora does?

How many times does mommy have to say "yes, what is it?" before the kids stop saying mommy mommy mommy and start to ask a real question?

and finally...How many times can I put myself in time out before it's considered neglect?

Anyone else have any How Many's?

And so, with the ending of the weekend, so ends another hectic November chocked full of birthday celebrations.

My exaggerated sighs of relief are driving my family to wonder if I might have asthma.
No more presents...did we get the same number for both? (it's much easier when the numbers are smaller, as in one major with two little ones)
Were the (gazillion) parties enough to leave them lasting and fond memories?
No more baking or preparing, all school and family parties have now been completed with a satisfactory grin on my face knowing I went that extra mile to make the kids happy. I'm sure those regular-ol chocolate chip cookies really wowed them to pieces.

Dang, this week is Thanksgiving isn't it? You know, the holiday where we cook and bake like crazy?

You know, the holiday after which Christmas preparation explodes??

That's ok. I can't wait to make Pioneer Woman's mashed potatoes. And my homemade chocolate pie. And ok, I guess I'll make something healthy, like beans. But not without slapping tons of butter on them.

And as for Christmas gifts, that's thankfully mostly done.

So much for my "asthma". (she says while dreaming of mom's homemade rolls...)

I was curiously watching a squirrel out my window today when I turned to Tim and said "It's so funny how they sit on a branch and shake their tails like crazy."

To which he replied "Oh! Is that the light gray one?"

??? No Tim, It's one of those rainbow ones I've been telling you about.

(sorry hon, I couldn't resist.)

After the recent Gremlins debacle, I was thrilled to my tootsies when Daniel picked "A Christmas Story" as our movie for the next couple of nights.

Sure, it's a little early, so to you naysayers I say "F-dash-dash-dash"-you. (sorry mom)
It's fun, and I could watch it "in the middle of the summer on the equator!" and it would still be just as entertaining to me.

Sunday, Dan and I were looking at the ads in the paper and we came across the Dick's one. Because it's hunting season, the cover was plastered with guns and rifles. Though Toys R Us kept him occupied a smidge, his eyes sparkled while looking at this.

He started pointing out the different models, commenting his own made-up ideas like: "this one's for a girl (he pronounced it grill) see? it's pink."

I lovingly looked over, nodded and said "those look like the Red Ryder BB gun from the movie don't they?" ( I know these things, guns are my specialty)

Dan says "What's the difference between a beebee gun and a real gun?"

I knowingly answered "BB guns shoot beebees and don't do as much damage, real guns are much more dangerous."

Dan gives my midsection a quick worried glance and then says:
"Mom, does a beebee gun shoot babies like from your tummy?"

After drying my tears of joy that my son could be so knowledgeable about hunting equipment, I think I corrected him as best as I knew how.
Every time we try to correct him, the conversation goes like this:
Dan- "It's b-a-y bee gun!"
US- "NO, it's bee-bee gun."
Dan- "Yeah, that's what I said. B-a-y bee gun! It shoots baybees!""


Tonight, after saying our prayers, Daniel wanted to add his own spin on a prayer.

He cleared his throat and said importantly:

"God of Life.
Give me food.
And thank you for all the people in the world.
And help me.
Amen."

And I said "Amen!"

The only time I will allow everyone to get up from the table during a gourmet pizza meal (which you can hear me chewing) is to rock to Journey. So what if the "guitar" is backwards?

I'm fresh out of originality and the kids are doing the same stupid things, (except that Shannon's social life has abruptly jumped to she-now-has-more-friends-than-I've-had-my-whole-life status) so I'll post some funny stuff I read on someone else's cleverer blog. (though the material isn't theirs either so no guilt for me... at least till mass on Sunday.)


1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

4. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no
one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk

6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

8. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

12. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

13. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

14. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

15. Was learning cursive really necessary?

16. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

19. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

20. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

21. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

22. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

23. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

24. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

25. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

26. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

29. Bad decisions make good stories

30. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

31. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

32. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

33. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

34. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

35. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

36. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

37. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

38. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

39. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

40. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

41. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

42. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

43. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

44. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

44. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

45. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

46. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

47. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

48. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.